Do you ever feel that no one is listening to you?  That you are speaking but no one seems to understand what you are saying or how important it is to you?

It could be because you are speaking in ways that make sense to you but not to the people that you are trying to communicate with (teenager to parent, employee to employer.)  It could also be that you have not been considering the other person’s perspective (what is important to the other peron and how s/he sees the situation.)  This post will help you to appreciate your situation in new ways—giving you more options.  It will also help you to speak in language that other people can better understand.

Often a person in a difficult situation cannot see the answers that a person standing outside the situation can see.  The ability to experience things from other people’s perspectives improves your ability to understand and gain clarity on your own situation and helps you to communicate with others more effectively.  By taking different ‘perceptual positions’, you will see your problem in new ways and with more objectivity.

What is Perspective?

When you take other people’s ‘perspectives’ or points of view, you walk in the other person’s shoes.  By imagining what life is like from the other person’s perspective, you gain valuable insights into how they think, feel, hear and see the world.  Taking the other person’s perspective also helps to change your model of the world (assumptions, generalizations or beliefs that you have created about the world around you.)

Taking other people’s perspectives is especially useful in situations where you feel frustrated or out of options.  In these cases, the perceptual positions exercise can help you understand the situation better and give you more choices in how you behave.

In the perceptual positions exercise, you will learn to see your situation from four different perspectives as follows:

Your Own Perspective:           

This is the situation as you see, feel and hear it through your own eyes, feelings and ears.  When you experience the situation through your own eyes, you think in terms of what is important to you and what you want to achieve.

Take a moment to get your perspective on the situation.

Ask yourself:

“How have I been speaking to this person and what reaction do I normally get?”

The Other Person’s Perspective:      

This is the situation as the other person sees, feels and hears it.  When you experience the situation through the other person’s perspective, you think in terms of what is important to the other person and what the other person wants to achieve.   To the best of your ability, you filter the experience through the other person’s beliefs and values and perceptions of life.

Take a moment to see the situation through the eyes of the other person.  What do you notice?

Ask yourself:

“When I see the world from the other person’s perspective, what do I notice?”

“How do I see myself from this person’s perspective?”

“When I ask for things or have a discussion with this person, what is she hearing, seeing and experiencing?”

The Observer’s Perspective:               

This is the situation as you would see it if you were an interested, but not directly involved, observer.  When you experience the situation from this perspective you are able to see and hear yourself and the other person as if you were a third person. You can watch the ‘dance’ between the two people.  You can notice the dynamics between you and the other person.

Take a moment to see the situation through the eyes of an interested but not directly involved observer.  What do you notice?

Ask yourself:

“Watching the situation, what do I notice as an observer?”

“What does the body language of ‘me’ and the ‘other person’ tell me as an observer?”

The Fly on the Wall Perspective

This is the situation as you would see it from the perspective of the ‘system’ – i.e. the current and long-term impact on your family, work or community.  You will notice the patterns that have been created and the impact on the entire system as a result of the interaction between yourself and the other person.

Take a moment to see the situation through the eyes of a fly on the wall.  What do you notice?

Ask yourself:

“How does it affect my family/classroom/group of friends/etc. when I interact with this person?”

“What else do I notice?”

And now that you have taken all four perspectives, ask yourself:

“What will I do differently now?”
“What are my next steps?”

But these conversations need to happen.  If they don’t, resentments may build, we may condone unacceptable behaviour, we may miss opportunities to help others grow.  These conversations can feel much more achievable when you generate the courage to make them happen and learn some simple steps which will help them to unfold more gracefully.

Susan Scott (Fierce Conversations, p.11), recommends that you, “Begin to overhear yourself avoiding the topic, changing the subject, holding back, telling little lies (and big ones), being imprecise in your language, being uninteresting even to yourself.”

A Typical Story

I was once asked to coach an employee because of her difficulty in getting along with her team members.  Although I was assured that the employee had been counselled on her behaviour prior to coaching, when I met her, she was stunned when told that management was considering letting her go due to her difficulties in working with others.

What went wrong?

I truly believe that the manager thought that he had had a clear conversation with this employee.  And maybe he did.  Sometimes people don’t want, or are not ready, to hear the truth.

What frequently happens, however, is that when we don’t know how to engage in difficult conversations with empathy and clarity, we can couch our message with information designed to soften the message to the point that our message is lost in the background information.

What Works

Fortunately, there are effective ways to have difficult conversations in ways that deepen the connection with the recipient and lead to better ways of interacting together.

The Steps

Following are 8 simple steps to engage someone in a difficult conversation.

1.            Create the Conditions for Success:  Choose an appropriate time and setting for the conversation and let the recipient know in advance what you want to talk about.  The conversation should take place one-on-one and in a private setting to create safety.  In addition, it should be at a time when the recipient is free of distractions and has the time and energy to focus on the conversation.

2.            Start by focusing on the person, not the topic: Take a moment to connect with the recipient before launching into the feedback, request or declaration.  Nothing is more important than the relationship.

3.            Declare your commitment to the future: Acknowledge what is already working well and what you are both working towards.  Difficult conversations are only productive when there is commitment to some future outcome.

4.            Present your topic for discussion and ask if the recipient is ready to have this conversation now.  It is possible that they need time to think and prepare.  Once permission is given, state your point of view clearly, how the topic is affecting you and/or your company and make a clear request.  Don’t overstate your case.  The intention is to introduce the topic for further discussion, not to blame or create defensiveness.  Always use relevant and recent examples to illustrate your point.  Be clear and judgment free.

5.            Outcomes: With positive language identify the gaps (new resources, skills or behaviours that will be required to attain the new outcome).   Be clear on why this new outcome or result is desired and how it will help you, the recipient and the organization.

Ask learning questions to explore how to implement the new resources, skills or behaviours in a way that is meaningful to you and the recipient.

7.            Next steps: Co-create the next steps that will help to acquire or implement the new resources, skills or behaviours.

8.            Summarize: Before closing, ask the recipient what her understanding is of the decisions made or the action steps that will follow the meeting.  Write them down and decide on when the action steps will take place.

Recommended reading: Susan Scott, Fierce Conversations

If you would like to learn more about how to engage in difficult conversations with grace and clarity, contact the author, Barb Pierce at barb@coachinghorizons.ca

Read more about Barb at: http://coachinghorizons.wordpress.com/about/

The client is responsible

The client needs to take charge of his own career development. Often the client will look to the coach for answers,”Just tell me what I should do and I’ll do it.”  Resist the temptation to give advice, the answer is within them. Even if you have done an assessment, and feel like saying, “The test results indicate that….,” let your client figure it out for himself. Giving advice makes it hard for a client to take charge of his own transition.

Imagination is key

When clients think of that impossible dream career, the coach isn’t doing them any favours by telling them to, “Get their head out of the clouds.” If the dream is matched by a strong drive to succeed, they can make their own reality. Any client with life experience has an imagination that can lead him to think about what he might like to do. Tests aren’t always necessary and shouldn’t be relied on to provide infallible answers. When the client isn’t feeling particularly imaginative or resourceful, the coach can ask questions that tap into his experience and use this to generate career possibilities. For example, “What kind of jobs are linked to the experience that you were just talking about?”  The coach needs to ask questions to assist the client to think of career possibilities, and not let his own judgment show up. Clients need to be given the opportunity to imagine what they are passionate about working at and keep their career possibilities alive.

Preferred functional and transferrable skills?

Coach people to build on their strengths and to discover and build on the skills that they enjoy using most. “Talk to me about the skills that you’ve used so far in your career and which ones you found satisfying.” Of course this self-disclosure will only happen if a firm connection has been made between the coach and the client. The client comes to awareness about what is unique about him. The coaching that occurs here is very similar to appreciative inquiry; in fact it is appreciative coaching. The coach will ask about the client’s accomplishments and slowly his confidence will build.

Managing self-limiting beliefs

It’s not uncommon for people who are unemployed to not feel particularly resourceful. Of course, this can hinder them from moving to action. The coach has to address these obstacles and work towards a shift where the client develops strategies for addressing these negative thoughts.

Developing the path to the employment goal

The client needs to be aware of how to get from his present state to his employment goal. In many career transition programs, there is a formulaic approach used which doesn’t vary from client to client. It’s preferable for the coach to suggest resources, make requests that the client read a book or visit a certain website. We want to continue to see the client as being resourceful and of course at some point, talk must lead to action. Your client will be exploring the educational requirements for positions, preparing a resume, making networking lists and eventually interviewing for positions. Meaning and purpose are what leads to clients feeling motivated and moving to action.

Select employment that is meaningful    

Having a strong sense of purpose leads the client to learn additional skills; it provides energy when things get difficult and leads to job-satisfaction. It’s not always possible for clients to find employment in their field as soon as they would like. They should be encouraged to explore volunteer opportunities so that they can gain some valuable experience in the field and begin to network on the inside of these organizations.

About Peter

Peter is a Certified Executive Coach (CEC) and obtained this designation at the Graduate level at Royal Roads University. He holds International Coaching Federation (ICF) certification as a Professional Certified Coach (PCC). Peter is also a bilingual and has over 15 years experience as a Career Consultant providing a full range of transition services.